When in the deep wilderness of a ski resort, there are many hazards your average snowboarder should consider: extreme temperatures, avalanches, high winds… just kidding. The REAL hazards are the other people on the mountain. Human beings are unpredictable, and sometimes that is a lot of fun. But usually not on the mountain.
Hazardous Humans on the Mountain
- The Oblivious Lift Linee
There are rebellious lift line jumpers and cutter-inners, but I’m not talking about those guys. I’m talking about the sweet souls who have possibly never experienced a North American lift line up and haven’t a clue on the appropriate etiquette. Oh, bless their hearts!
You know the ones. They seem to have grasped the concept that there is some sort of alternating line thing going on, but they haven’t quite mastered the skill. See: the guy in the singles line who doesn’t comprehend that singles are meant to fill out twosomes and threesomes. Instead, he squeezes himself between two foursomes, leaving behind some very confused shredders (and taking up a whole chair for himself).
- The Party Bar Eager Beaver
This mountain dweller is typically an acquisition from the singles line or is otherwise unrelated to you (because none of your friends would ever do this). You’ve barely sat down on the chair when you feel a solid thump against your hopefully helmeted head. Yes, that’s the eager beaver pulling the party bar down suddenly and unannounced. Safety first, people.
- The Tired Legs Party
Golly, those Whistler runs are LONG! Sometimes, a snowsporter just needs to rest those tired legs, and what better spot than under a roller or some other place in the MIDDLE OF A RUN.
Best yet is when their seven best friends join them and the iphones come out for an impromptu photo sesh. Instagram!
- The “This Run is My Run” Believer
I feel for this guy. He is probably so stoked on his run that he simply forgot that he is sharing the mountain with other people. That’s the only explanation I can offer for his desire to do the widest turns on planet earth, with an intermittent surprise turn every now and then to ensure that you cannot detect any sort of pattern in his skiing style. It’s almost like he’s cutting you off on purpose over and over, but you’re pretty sure he’s not actually evil. Still, no matter how many “on your rights” you helpfully offer, you’re going to come thisclose to hitting him at one point or another.
- The Cat Track Attacker
At least This Run is My Run is predictable in his unpredictableness: the Cat Track Attacker has a much subtler technique that is more difficult to recognize. You’re just behind him on a painfully long cat track, but no worries, he’s been going straight as a pin for the last two minutes. When, all of the sudden—BOOM, Cat Track Attacker strikes again! Magnetically drawn to the kicker on the side, he cuts across the track, resulting in either a) a terrible collision between the two of you, or b) you wiping out in attempt to avoid the aforementioned collision. I prefer a), because the worst part of b) is that he gets to do his little jump and ski away. Either way, have fun on the rest of the cat track after you bail… yay, snowboards and cat tracks!
In order to prevent these real and true hazards from ever occurring, I propose a mandatory Snowsport Etiquette 101 course to be taught to children in primary school. Stay safe out there!
