(note: This is not a sponsored post. True, you may feel compelled to buy stuff after reading it, but I won’t make the choice for you.)
At some point in your youth, you made the life-altering decision between boxers or briefs (I can’t wrap my head around anyone who chose ‘commando’ as a lifestyle; it gets cold where I live). Maybe you haven’t looked back; maybe you switched teams; maybe you proudly sport the spork of undergarments: boxer-briefs. Where you’ve been content with a decision made in grade school, underwear has moved on and you owe it to your most important man-bits to catch up.
I pity you if you chose the tightey-whitey, but it happens. Look no further than Walter White in Breaking Bad (please say you’ve heard of it) for why you made the wrong choice:
Sure there’s the support, but they offer little in the way of dignity.
Like a lot of people, I jumped ship once I knew there was something other than Underoos. While super hero gitch seem great, you’ll always look like a ten-year-old; boxers were cooler, offering freedom with more stylish options. But what they don’t tell you is that while you’re trying to learn ollies and any trick after that, or hiking through knee-deep pow, there’s nothing keeping your business in check. You’re fine in your youth, but as you get older, your skin loses elasticity; every hard landing is a slight tug on the berries in the wrong direction.
You want proof? Spend time in any gym change room. I’ll bet good money that at any given time there will be at least two older men conversing, buck naked, one of them possibly with a leg up on a bench. I can only guess that at a certain age you lose all shame, your business promised to one lucky lady ‘til-death-do-you-part, but that wrinkly sack bouncing off his mid thighs (if he’s lucky), is your fleshy future.
Boxer-briefs are a step in the right direction, but you can do better.
MyPakage offers the whole package.
By now you’ve probably seen advertising for underwear promising magic for your nether regions: MyPakage, Saxx, 2UNDR and others, all vying for your drawer dollars. They’re all selling the same idea with some variations: the support of briefs with the style and respect of boxer-briefs, wrapped in modern materials. Here’s why you should give them at least one spot in your underwear rotation:
Make your junk look better. The common thread is a ‘pouch’ that keeps your package separate, avoiding the asexual appearance of boxers or the single mass of briefs. They’re like man-scaping-lite; they’ll add optical volume, without the mess of getting short and curlys all over your bathroom. Not to brag, but I have first hand experience with approval from the fairer sex.
Saxx might save you some awkward moments.
Keep your business in check. The more time you spend with your berries held aloft, the more time you have before deciding which leg of your track pants to dangle down on any given day. There’s no sure way to fight aging or genetics, but at least you can make an effort to not make things worse.
2UNDR calls their ball sack the "Joey Pouch"
They feel great. Something about swaddling your sack in proper moisture-wicking material makes you realize that we’ve come along way. I won’t promise you’ll be standing proud in a super hero pose in the mirror, but I’d shut the door just in case.
Unfortunately, the future doesn’t come cheap, but spoil yourself and try a pair or two; your old underwear will never feel the same. As a bonus, these companies also support athletes (their junk and careers) in the sports you love. Win-win.
Ladies: If for whatever reason you’ve got this far, hop-stepping through my genital euphemisms, Christmas is coming: there’s no better way to get your man to step up his game than the gift of gitch (getting him something else too, or else it’s just weird).
