Le vidéo recap du SNOWMISSION 2013 !

With the weather we've been having these days, it's difficult to stay angry at, or even pay attention to, one thing at a time for any significant period. So here is a short, sparsely-detailed, intermittently-focused list of everything that is currently pissing me off, that I could think of in one sitting.

Deadlines. I didn't like them in high school, I don't like them now. Why I ever agreed to do a weekly instalment I'll never know. I blame Hockenstein and the thousands of dollars he pays me.

Fuel prices. Ever notice any time you hear about some development that should positively influence the cost of gas in your neighbourhood, they say you should see the effects in “x” number of weeks. The “x” being the amount of time it will take to invent some new story so you forget about gas prices in the first place. When was the last time you remember gas actually getting cheaper?

Taxes. It's that time of year, when we scramble at the last minute to scrape together all those pieces of important mail from the bank and pretend we're really screwing over The Man by writing off public transit even though we own a vehicle. Then when we get a couple hundred bucks back, we act like it's some victory, even though it's money you already worked for and they automatically deducted from your pay cheques. If you think that cheque they sent you is profit, compare it to the cumulative deductions from your pay stubs over the last year, and see who's really getting bent over and fiscally raped. No lube. Here's a fun fact: Income tax was originally introduced in 1917 to temporarily help pay for WWI, which had by then already cost Canada $600-million (in 1916 dollars). This “War Tax” as it was called, was never supposed to outlast the war itself. That was close to 100 years ago.

Travelling. I'm talking long-distance, multi-vehicled travelling here. Like flying somewhere more than a 5-hour flight away. Because hey, it's only a 5-hour flight! That's mellow. Except that includes waiting around the airport for at least an hour (because if you don't check-in more than half an hour before your flight even begins the 20-minute boarding process, they don't even let you in) and the couple hours it takes you drive to an international airport from wherever you live, and from the one you land in to wherever you're actually going. Hell I could definitely write up an entire rant on air travel alone, but that could send me into such a rage spiral from whence I may never recover. Let's just quickly run though a day (hopefully it's only one day) of A-to-B: You have to be up at like 4am, always, even if your flight is a red-eye. If you take the bus, the trip will be at least twice as long as it needs to be. If you park-and-fly be ready to shell out almost as much as your flight cost. If you take a cab, why the hell does a cab cost like $3/minute these days?!? Get to the airport, even though you “checked-in” online (you better, otherwise you're getting stuck in a middle between two people who should have had to pay for the entire row, each, and why does some 300-lb asshole get the same luggage allowance as me?!?) you still have to stand in a line behind a family with a screaming child waiting to dump your bags and probably have to pay a fee for an ever-diminishing weight limit. Then it's off to security where somehow every time I take my camera bag I'm “randomly selected” to get it completely torn apart and searched. At least the pat-down guy is usually pretty friendly, even if it's in a creepy “too good at this” kind of way. Then find your gate, which is easy, it's at the farthest end of the airport you can possibly access. Then wait, resisting overly-priced refreshments, for at least an hour before they tell you your flight is delayed. When they finally do start boarding I wait until the last possible second. Who's in a hurry to cram themselves into a space with population density greater than that of Hong Kong? The rest of the passengers, that's who. The only reason you'd want to get on early is if you need space in the overhead bins, because for some reason nobody is using the little “if it fits, carry on” size limit station, and everyone and their child is trying to cram bags bigger than they one I actually checked into the carry-on compartments. This bullshit needs to end, quickly. Here's a tip: If you can't actually carry it on, IT'S NOT CARRY-ON! At this point, I hope you brought headphones because that screaming child is parked directly behind you. Who travels with an infant? That shit is fucking infuriating. (See now I'm getting upset). And I hope you brought music and a book because the tv won't work (which would be ok, if I wasn't paying a hidden cost for it) and UP! Magazine really sucks. If you're at all lucky, you'll be travelling with an airline who still gives you complimentary water since the ban of bringing your own was introduced as an easy way to increase revenue. Then you land, and everyone immediately jumps up to try to get out of the plane first, which I also don't understand, because you've got a mile and a half walk to the baggage area, and once you're there it's another half-hour before your bag (hopefully) shows up. Somehow mine is always last, which is a statistical impossibility. Hopefully you don't have a 3-hour layover before you get to start this whole process over again. This is getting too long and is taking up too much coffee. Next.

My truck's Check Engine Light. That sonofabitch just will not quit. Of all the lights that have burnt out in my vehicle, why is this the one that will last forever? And just when I started getting used to that little orange glow in my peripheral, it starts BLINKING at me!

The 5-day workweek. Isn't it about time we adopt 4-10's and make every weekend a long one? Then we can finally start considering the long-overdue 3-day workweek…

Sundays. This is directly related to the 5-day workweek, which is why it comes next. Pretty good, journalistically, huh? That's called natural flow. Anyway, something has to be done about Monday mornings to make Sunday evenings less depressing, like a noon-start or complimentary Baileys for your coffee. Of course, this whole thing really stems from my personal disappointment of falling into the Monday-to-Friday lifestyle I told myself I was too smrt to succumb to.

Other drivers. Will you please hurry the fuck up? I know it's pretty out here, but some of us actually want to approach the speed limit. George Bush said it best: “We don't negotiate with tourists.”

Tow trucks. Who gave these guys the authority to legally steal my vehicle? Next time you get towed, report it stolen and insist on pressing charges. And where are these guys when assholes take up 2 spots to park their Audi? Probably hanging out wherever the police are any time you actually need them too. But don't worry if you roll through an uphill stop sign in a quiet residential neighbourhood in the middle of winter on 6” of snow, you can bet they'll be right there to refuse to be reasonable. That's if they happen to look up from their laptops long enough to see you. I guess it's not a hand-held device if it's bolted to your dash.

Instagram. No I don't have it, stop asking. I have Facebook, it's like Instagram, but for people who can read, and like Twitter, but for people who only feel the need to update me on their arbitrary activities half a dozen times a day.

Smartphones. Actually, more like people who can't be without their link for more than a few seconds. We have a lot of hang-outs and big dinners around our place. New rule: leave your phone at the door. No more posting photos of a meal I haven't even sat down to yet. And nothing is more ignorant that pulling out your phone in the middle of a conversation. I doubt anything is so important it can't wait until the end of this sentence. Next phone at our dinner table is getting a drink spilt on it.

Bad dog-owners. There aren't many bad dogs out there, just bad dog-owners. A dog isn't out to piss me off intentionally, dogs just be dogs. If they don't know better there is probably a human at fault. There's a guy in our cul-de-sac who stands on his porch first thing in the morning and in the middle of the night, yelling at his dogs, who eventually get just as sick of hearing him as the rest of us are and finally go home. Evidently this guy hasn't yet figured out that if he buys a rope he doesn't have to yell anymore. But then I guess he'd have his own yard full of his dogs' shit, instead of ours.

Technology. Slow.The.Fuck.Down! We're at a good place, we've got everything we need (except hoverboards, where the fuck is my hoverboard?!?) you're making billions of dollars a year, my newest piece of electronics doesn't need to be incompatibly-outdated by the end of the year it was released. Instead of re-re-designing another version of something we already have and only a fraction of the population of the planet can afford, maybe focus on something that will actually make life better. I mean life as a whole. The royal life. There's a guy who invented a water filtration system that costs only $20 to manufacture, operates on a simple camp fire, and will render scum puddle mud drinkable for decades. THAT is something worth putting your over-priced, over-valued, and under-utilized degree towards. Or how about the guy who genetically invented a corn crop that will grow bigger and faster and in the worst conditions a plant should ever be subject to? Or you could finally make solar panels cheap and efficient enough to power cars and busses and trains, even entire households. If enough of you get together on it, maybe Big Oil won't be able to cover up your mysterious disappearance. Just sayin'.

Until next week,